All of the anecdotes and such you'd want to not read!

updated by Eric Thornett so you know who to blame

APRIL 21, 2001

IT...HAS BEGUN!

The first day of filming! And what better scene to begin with than a fight? It was a perfect day for fisticuffs as I sparred with Baltimore underground acting legend Cash Flagg Jr. on a dead-end bridge in Georgetown. Acting as D.P. for the day was Kent Bye, wily and ready for action as usual. It was a physical day, with us exchanging blows for most of the afternoon. The stunt of the day I guess was me standing on a cliff, backing up to the edge as I was fighting. Of course there were no mats to save me if I fell over the edge, and there was no wire attached to a nice, safe anchor and myself either. So it was a case of, "don't fall." Safety precautions are for babies and Democrats! A very strenuous day. However, there was lots of time for restful breaks as we had to wait for minor annoyances to shut up, such as airplanes, dump trucks honking their horns, and a group of teenyboppers screaming for their kayaking friends as the raced. But eventually goodness was triumphant and the scene was finished.

Unfortunately, goodness did not reign triumphant as we made our way back to the car, and I realized that someone who shall go unnamed except the name of that person was Kent, locked my keys in my car. So Cash gave me a lift home, where I proceeded to climb up to the second-story window and jimmy it open so I could retrieve my spare set of keys. Then we went back to Georgetown to get my car and eat some really spicy General Tso's Chicken.

Amen.

APRIL 22, 2001

THE NEXT DAY

'Twas a nice short day, as lead actress Christi Etcher had to be in D.C. for a swing dance audition for PBS. And she got it too! Good for her! Not much to say I guess, the day was freaking hot and Christi was regretting having to wear a coat for her character. Many takes were shot of Christi running down a street as she kept tripping over stairways. On the dance floor she is a graceful swan, but elsewhere, watch out.

APRIL 28, 2001

DAVID STEWART IS EVIL

David Stewart, star of Piranha Pictures' own 23 HOURS, came from his home in Charlottesville for the weekend of filming. He stayed at my house, which was plentifully stocked with corn dogs and frozen waffles. David had to bring his own stash of Dr. Pepper, mainly because I think it tastes like vomited up battery acid.

This day of shooting concentrated on a scene where my character storms the evil Goth stronghold, and David, as the evil Overlord Crumb, tries to kill me. Much fun was had as we ran around with broadswords and Mac-11s and acted like idiots, which is to say, men. Acting as DP for the day was my buddy Alvin Ecarma, who was also forced to stand in every now and then as a Goth minion. Mostly the day consisted of us fighting and such, and the first injury of the film was received as I got my head split open by a car trunk. But of course filming continued.

After the shooting was finished, we went back to my place for Dr. Peppers and the aforementioned corn dogs. We had to wait for night to fall to shoot a few more scenes, so we kicked back and watched some terrible shot-on-video horror movies. Then night fell and we headed back out to the area of Reston, where we shot the opening scene of the movie, which is just boring old talking. And we were finished by around two in the morning, and went back home to bed.

APRIL 29, 2001

IS IT THE NEXT DAY ALREADY?

So we wake up around seven in the morning for some reason, even though we were going to meet up with Alvin at ten at my place. Fresh as daisies? Try fresh as fresh poop! So David and I spent the morning watching the rest of the bad movies and listening to chick music, and then Alvin showed up. Of we went to the shooting location!

Most of the day was spent with the filming of a car chase in a parking garage. Over and over and over we drove the cars up and down and up and down. You know, not much is more boring to shoot than a car chase. It takes forever to get everyone back in place, and then you shoot for about two seconds, and then more. But it was fun, and we even got finished at a reasonable time. Alvin went straight home and David hung around for a little bit, then packed up his car and went back to his home about two hours away.

I was so lonely.

MAY 7, 2001

HILLBILLY JUNKIE

The first celebrity cameo has been shot. Todd Rohal came out and we did his scene, which was very lightly scripted in order to let his imagination run free. Perhaps too free, as Todd decided to give his character a chicken-fried accent and brought along a pair of goggles to wear. Todd managed to get through me demanding twenty takes or so in order to capture that one magic moment that I knew would show up sooner or later. Those magic moments did show up, and the footage is hilarious. Todd warned me that he wasn't a good actor, but he sells himself short.

After this, I had the task of shooting Christi at my sister's place as she takes a shower. And no my friends, there is no nudity, so close those jaws. You look silly. Shooting was smooth and quick and we were out of there by eleven.

MAY 12, 2001

FASHION SHOOT AND BONDAGE

We spent this day in the fabulous mansion of co-producer Alvin Ecarma. The shooting was filled to the brim with high-gloss fashion as Christi spent hours being menaced by the villain while tied to the fireplace. She was happy because for this scene she finally got to wear some makeup and look pretty. She was unhappy due to the aforementioned bondage. Such is the duality of life.

My payment for being able to use Alvin's fine home? I had to help him put up a roof on this gazeebo-type thing where a bartender can serve drinks to people as they hang out at the pool. You see, this is why he lives in a mansion. Slave labor. I compared myself several times to his Asian brethren who had to work on the railroads, but he was strangely unmoved. I think he figured it's payback. Anyway, I took some very nice stills which I'll be using in my portfolio to see if I can get a job taking pictures for "Cosmo" or "Good Housekeeping" or maybe Oprah's magazine. And if that fails, I know Rosie O'Donnell's got a mag too. Hmmm. For your enjoyment, here's a picture of Christi.

Ever so moody and art-directed, eh? Candles are pretty.

 

MAY 13, 2001

BLAH BLAH BLAHING

We were back at Alvin's today for a scene where Christi drops by Zen Legend's place. Lots of boring talking ensues. So there isn't a whole heck of a lot to talk about here. I will say however that Alvin fed us well with delicious Mexican and Chinese food. A great combination guaranteed to clean out your colon thrice over. Since there's not much to say, here's a few pictures. Here is Cash Flagg Jr. and Christi:

And here is a picture of the object that is causing all the ruckus in the film. We refer to it simply as "the dingus."

It was designed and sculpted by special effects master Daniel Fielding, who has also done a lot of work for the Smithsonian. Classy! More than we deserve, but Danny took our motto to heart--"we don't have any freaking money," so he took up the challenge and created the dingus for the paltry sum of thirteen dollars. Now you and I know that's cheap, although it would have had been more except that Danny had some surplus special effects goo sitting around.

Thirteen dollars doesn't buy you much gas anymore, but it sure does buy a nice dingus!

 

MAY 20, 2001

FIGHTING! FIGHTING! FIGHTING!

Today we did some fighting. It was a scene where my character storms the evil Goth stronghold. It was rainy outside, but that was fine with me as we were under cover all day and the wetness added some nice mood to the scene. Too bad for me I had to roll around on the damp floor, but that's why I'm the boss! Additional wetness was added by an unnamed member of the cast, who I have just now learned peed in a corner somewhere. Hope I didn't roll in that!

We had a good number of people come out to play the villains, with the winner being Gordon DelGiorno, who came all the way from Delaware just to be associated with Piranha Pictures. They come for the quality movies, but they stay for the free brownies.

 

 

MAY 25, 2001

DRUG DEALERS AND LIGHTNING

It was a fairly eventful weekend of filming even though not much filming took place. Friday night, around midnight, I was shooting those boring, crappy scenes with Christi that usually get done at the end of shooting. If you've made a movie before, you know the kind I'm talking about. The kind where you have to pack up your gear and get set up somewhere to shoot a two-line scene needed only to advance the story, but nothing of real interest happens. Some would say that's every second of my junks, but to those I say I kill you!

Anyway, apparently we were in the prime drug dealing parking lot of Alexandria, Virginia. First we saw a car waiting in the lot alone, and eventually another car showed up and they went off together. Christi thought it was a drug deal, but I figured someone's gettin' some extra action, if you know what I mean and I think you do. But after a few minutes, a truck pulls in, and the guy inside kept trying to wave us over. Yeah, I'm going to do that. So I rummaged through the ol' prop box and found me a very small knife that I planned to shove in his eye if he decided to come over to murder us, but he never did. The only other weapon in the car was a plastic Uzi, which aren't very effective, or so I'm told. So anyway part 2, we finished shooting and as we were leaving the lot, I waved goodbye to him.

And then he decided to follow us.

So we figured, now he thinks we want to buy something or he wants to kill us, so I acted like Steve McQueen in "Bullett" and took some nice, twisty roads at a fairly fast clip and lost him. So all was good and happy.

Okay, so we have an early call time the next day, and we have to drive to Maryland. And it's late. Time to go to bed, right? No, silly! I was bunking down at Christi's that night, and we decided to look through her old photo albums. You see, she's an old friend from way back, I'm talking even before high school, which is how I coerced her into starring in this here movie. Leverage, you see. So we stayed up way past the time we should be counting sheep, until finally we figured we should get at least a little sleep, and we went nighty-night.

Until about four in the morning, when we were awakened by what sounded like the Empire State Building was thrown off the...Empire State Building, I guess. At first, I thought it was a bomb. It was lightning, and I was checking out the window to see if any of the buildings next to us were blown up. That thing hit very close. I cried a bit, but then Christi slapped me in the face a few or twelve times, and then I was better.

 

 

MAY 26, 2001

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO (sniff) ME

In what must be considered one of the most boring, crappy birthdays ever, I squandered my special day getting pickups and waiting around with Christi and Cash Flagg Jr. for the rain to stop so we could shoot more of those two-line scenes. We finished in the early afternoon and I went home, huddled in a corner, and ate spiders.

 

 

JUNE 2, 2001

IT'S WET-T SHIRT NIGHT AT PIRANHA PICTURES!

In a fearless performance Christi Etcher, wearing a white tank top, got soaked for hours and hours on Saturday night. I had to do some careful camera placements to hide the goods from the ever-seeing pervert eye of the camera, 'cause this ain't no peep show! But this was an artistic scene, you see. Not like the usual wet-t shirt bits where the woman stands there and allows guys to hose her down or something. No sir. We shoved her head in the toilet.

Because I'm an artist.

The night began with a scene of Christi and John Paglio, playing her scuzbag nemesis, having an argument outside. I had to crack the whip as we were racing to get finished before the sun sat. Did we make it? Yes, barely. And special kudos goes out to John, who acted up a storm of fury all night long, in what I'm sure will be one of the best-liked characters. He's funny and threatening all at the same time. After he left Christi and I talked behind his back and paid many compliments to him. I should have given him some to his face, but when we were filming my encouragement came out like "keep your pie-hole shut and do what I say! I'm right and you're always wrong!"

So we go back to her place and do what will be one of the best shots in the film: a long, uncut tracking shot where she is being stalked through her apartment and doesn't know it. The choreography of the shot was intricate and had to be pulled off with split-second timing, which we finally got perfect after about an hour of doing it and around twenty tries at the least. I timed the shot and it lasts a big fat 70 seconds. Beauty! Look, I'm Hitchcock!

Anyway, then it comes time for John to shove Christi's head in the toilet, and I'm thinking holy crap, the shirt we picked out is white. It's going to be totally see-through. Which is not so great because I'm trying to make a general-audience junks here. We briefly thought about putting a bra on Christi, but since she was definitely not wearing one in the previous shots, which was cemented as fact during the tracking shot where you see her bare back as she puts the shirt on, Christi decided to take one for the team and do the scene. She said that she figured she would be doing it anyway, but I swear I hadn't really thought about the see-throughness of the shirt. I do swear. Seriously.

I swear.

So we did the scene over the next several hours and shot until around two in the morning and got finished before John had an attack because he didn't have his insulin with him.

Let me send a special shout-out to my boy Kent Bye, who was supposed to do camera for us one of the days this weekend, but got his jaw cracked by a softball. His mouth is wired shut and he has to live on fluids for a week. Thanks so much for ruining my plans Kent. I blame you for not living in a protective bubble and only coming out to shoot this movie.

In a side note, look how nice that bathroom is. Check out those colors. And it was so nice and clean. You see, this is why I like to hang out at women's places. Go to your guy friend's pad, if he's a bachelor, and try to shove someone's head in the toilet. They would die before contact was even made. It's like a nuclear blast...you don't have to actually be in the explosion to get the fallout.

And in a sidetrack to the side note, let me say that even though I tried, there is definitely lots of footage where Christi's modesty is utterly ruined. Of course, they won't be in the movie, as we did many takes of these shots, and I have plenty of useable footage, but it's nice to know that I have them. That way, in case this movie doesn't go anywhere, I can turn the website into hotgirlboobies.com.

 

 

JUNE 8, 2001

BEATING ON JOHN PAGLIO

It was a fairly short night, where we got together and did a scene where Cash Flagg Jr. meets up with John Paglio and beats him up real good. It only took us a few hours to shoot the scene, and hilarity ensued as Cash used his super monkey kung fu grip on John's throat and almost put him to sleep. But luckily that was near the end of filming, and we finished just fine, and John left yelling ethnic slurs at Cash and myself.

 

 

JUNE 9, 2001

TEARS OF A CLOWN (PLAN B pt 1)

The titular clown is David Stewart, who at this point in the movie has been zapped by the dingus and he has become a super scary psycho clown. Anyway, we were shooting our fight scene in Rosslyn, which is right across the water from Georgetown, in what must be the coolest shooting location in the world, or at least in Rosslyn. We were halfway through when some rent-a-cops told us we were on government property and had to leave. Now where we were, you would understand why we thought it was a public place. It was sort of a walkway, with easily accessible stairs going up to it, and there was nary a no trespassing sign to be seen. We shot about half the scene when we got busted, and I'm now checking into getting a permit to finish the scene. Of course when this happened I quickly formed Plan B so we can finish the scene if we can't get back, but the location is so prime I actually decided not to finish right then and instead go through the rigmarole of getting permission so we could finish the way I pictured it. You know it's a good location because I usually would say "screw it" and finish with the Plan B. But we'll hold off on that. For now.

I'd be remiss however if I didn't send a special shout-out to the attentive security guards that our government saw fit to hire, who managed to catch us after we'd only been there for five hours making lots of racket. Way to be on that ball!

So then we met up with Christi for that evening's shoot, and we did more of those little scenes that need to be scattered throughout the movie. For one scene, we were on top of a parking garage where our hero is about to end his life by jumping off. There were lots of bugs up there, and they found Christi especially tasty.

Shooting was finished around midnight, and David was glad to be done as he was suffering from a terrible headache. I tried to console him by saying "see you later sucker!" as he left, and throwing rocks at his car.

 

 

JUNE 10, 2001

INSANITY THY NAME IS BALTIMORE (PLAN B pt 2)

This day, shooting was scheduled for a theater on the Johns Hopkins campus. Everyone gets there, and we have quite a large number of people for this day. We get in the theater okay, and it's so nice. Ever so nice.

Then someone comes in and lets us know that a rally is going to be held there.

Oh the agony! Oh the torment! We had been told it was free and clear! But a rally isn't free and it certainly isn't clear! So I had two options: call in a bomb threat, and let them know I know how to evade their security measures since we did it in Rosslyn for five hours, or use Plan B.

Yes, Plan B. You see, when one is making a low-budget film, it's always wise to have a Plan B, and perhaps even a Plan C just in super-duper case. I had a secondary location that I was planning to use a little bit, but now it could easily stand in for the whole thing. It worked just as well, and actually I was a bit torn between the two places anyway, but now the decision was made for me. We moved to the other room and began shooting.

And what a shoot! You may ask what happened. The question is: what didn't? Fighting! Comedy! Pathos! In case you may be confused, these are things that did happen, not things that didn't. It was a long day, and a few of us were there for thirteen hours. Most of the others were lucky and got to escape at a (fairly) reasonable time, but it was me, Christi, and Alvin Ecarma on camera there until around eleven.

Anyway, the day at Hopkins was the longest shooting day for me--about thirteen hours I believe. Still haven't beaten my all time best, the fifteen hour shooting day that we pulled on our first movie BIRDHEART PIE. And special mention must be given to my boy Jerry Chen, who has pulled what must be the most hilarious and offensive portrayal of a mentally disabled janitor in the history of cinema. Originally Jerry was going to be a thug that day, but I threw him in the part of this none so bright fellow, and Jerry brought it home. Kudos to you Jerry!

 

 

JUNE 16, 2001

ROAD TRIP!

'Twas a drizzly Saturday morn, and Christi, Cash Flagg Jr. and myself were getting ready to head out to the wilds of New York to shoot the cameo scene of Jasi Cotton Lanier (formerly Roxanne Michaels). First we stopped at the grocery store to stock up on soda and delectable snack cakes. Then we were off!

Holy cow! It stormed at least half the way up. At times I could barely see the road, and had to slow down to a crawling eighty miles an hour. But we finally made it, and after getting lost for about an hour, we found Jasi's place in Jersey City.

Now, a sickening word about Jasi's apartment. It is huge. I want to move in and live under her bed. And it's even in one of those cool old buildings where the elevator has doors that you have to manually close. Of course, one day we went to get on the elevator and it wasn't working, but it was still cool. So Jasi took us on a quick tour of the area and showed us some decent shooting locations. And on the way back to her apartment, she stopped at her boyfriend's relative's bakery and got us some tasty cookies and bread.

Jasi had business to attend to that night, so we split up and the three of us headed into New York to accomplish our objective for the evening: eat at the Jekyll & Hyde Club, which is a monster theme tourist trap restaurant. But since we were tourists we felt we should go.

It was so scary! Monsters everywhere! And hamburgers! Plus, it was Cash's birthday so he got one of those zany birthday songs that restaurant staffs sing and a nice cake.

There he is crying.

We finished dinner and walked around Times Square a bit. There were many wondrous sights there, such as a McDonald's, and a Blockbuster video store...you know, the kinds of things you can only see in New York.

We met back up with Jasi at her place around one in the morning and hit the hay. We made Christi sleep on the hard floor.

 

 

JUNE 17, 2001

LESBAINS = DELICIOUS

The other day I was discussing the subject of lesbians with my friends. We were trying to figure out what the fascination guys have with watching lesbians kiss and such. One theory is that perhaps they would let you join them. I disagree, as they are lesbians, which is to say, not interested in man love. My own theory is this: it comforts men, and here's why. You see, guys don't want to see other guys naked, because then they think they might turn homosexual. It's true. Try and show a guy a painting or artistic photo of a naked man, and they won't want to look, because they don't want to seem gay. I once knew of a guy who would not even eat bananas because of the homosexual implications of such an act. I'm serious.

However, they do want to see hot nekkid ladies gettin' it on. So what to do? Watch lesbians! It's all very scientific.

Which brings us to the day's shoot. We haven't even started and already we have several strikes against us. First off, we're down a henchwoman. We need at least two, and we only have one. Plus it's raining, and the scene is supposed to take place outside. Christi gets pulled out of a car, and a fight ensues over this attempted kidnapping. So what to do?

The first problem is easily taken care of. I tell Teddy Chao, who was supposed to run camera that day, that he gets to suit up as a woman and play the other kidnapper. Luckily Teddy agrees, and we make him up all nice and pretty. But what to do about the rain?

Think about Hollywood movies for a moment. You know how they insert plot points early in the film which will later come into play? This is just like that. Remember the bakery I mentioned earlier? Jasi suggested we move the scene there, as we could shoot in the back. I thought about it, and slightly re-jiggered the scene to accommodate the changes, and we had a solution!

Now that we were nice and safe and dry, we could get down to bizness. Basically, the scene was one big fight with a few scattered bits of dialogue. Shooting went quickly and smoothly, most of it consisting of Jasi and myself trading punches, mainly her trading them to my solar plexis. It looks pretty sad as Jasi, who must weigh less than a hundred pounds, soundly thrashes me. I'm the director, I should have changed that. Oh well.

I forced Christi into letting Jasi kiss her, based on something minor she said some time ago. I believe it was about stage-kissing, and she said she'd rather kiss a woman on stage than a man. I kept that remark close to my heart for a month, and then popped it out at her. This is a good lesson for anyone working on a film with me: don't say anything unless you're going to follow up, because I will remember, and it will come back to haunt you.

We finished pretty early, and ate dinner at a Mexican place. Then we said good-bye to Jasi and headed home. And then five hours later we were home. And then I dropped off Christi and Cash. And then I went upstairs and got into bed. And then I went to sleep.

Here's a cast picture of everyone involved with the shoot that day. See if you can pick out Teddy!

 

 

JUNE 22, 2001

POOR COLD CHRISTI

This day we didn't shoot anything especially interesting...in theory. All we had to shoot was a simple scene where Christi gets hit by water, splashed at her by a passing car. Yes, stale gags get used at Piranha Pictures shamelessly. The problem is, at the time there was a major lightning storm going on. Of course Christi and my sister Amy (playing a hooker in the background) did not want to shoot. But Amy's boyfriend Jay and I, being men and therefore stupid, were not afraid and exerted psychological warfare on them until they relented, and off we went! It was fairly cold outside, and I was getting shots of Christi running through the rain. If you got it, might as well use it. Of course I was the idiot standing in the middle of a paring lot holding an umbrella as lightning flashed all around me, but I didn't want to get the camera wet! And then we threw buckets of water on Christi, and she was very glad to have those scenes finished. Here's a picture of Christi, censored for your lessened pleasure.

It was a bit cold that night, but Christi was a real trooper and didn't complain once. Well actually, she complained the whole time, but good-naturedly, such as "I can't feel my fingers Eric!"

That night we also shot a dance scene--a fairly minor bit to be used during the opening credits. At one point I was trying to get a bigtime major musical sequence in the movie, but even with as loose a structure as is in this film I couldn't force it. Too bad.

 

 

JUNE 23, 2001

BACK TO BALTIMORE

We headed out to Baltimore to shoot Christi's part of the climax, which takes place on the roof of an observatory. It's a great location. Not really much to say about this day, except that we shot until around three in the morning and then she followed me in her car back home. The whole drive I was concerned that any second she was going to fly off the road into a tree, as her car was swerving. I guess staying up late and driving home at four in the morning can be tiring to some. Personally, I got home and goofed around until I saw the sun rise and then I thought I should get to bed.

 

 

JUNE 26, 2001

GOODBYE CHRISTI! GOODBYE!

It's a wrap for Christi! We shot her very last scene, which also happens to be the very last scene that her character is in, so that worked out nicely, if just a bit symbolically. Shooting her last scene was fun, as it was just the two of us, so I used the remote to start and stop the camera. We shot it in my backyard, and I had to wedge the car through the fence to get it in the back. Now the car has a few extra paint scrapes on the side.

As Christi is now finished, let's all think about what she put up for me during this shoot. She:

- had her head shoved in a toilet.

- got tossed around by at least four different people.

- was shoved to the ground at least twenty times.

- was kissed by lesbians.

- had cold, muddy water thrown at her during a cold night while it was thundering and lightning.

- shot a scene in the middle of drugtown in the middle of the night.

And in non-shoot related awful things she did, she went with me to prom so many years ago.

So now in tradition of the old movies where the child has to get rid of his faithful pet/friend/alien, let me say go away Christi! We don't want you here anymore! You're not my friend! (sniff) Go away, I hate you! (sob) I...I hate you!

Jerks the tears right out, doesn't it?

 

 

 

JULY 7, 2001

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DORKS

This is a hard update to write, as it involves the climax of the movie, and I generally like to keep that under wraps. It's always especially easy to do since most of the people actually in the movie have never even read the script...I'm always getting asked such things as "who am I playing again?"

Anyway, we went to our location in Baltimore. One problem: our liason wasn't there. We were all stuck outside. So Cash Flagg Jr. and I checked around, and he used his super gorilla strength to pop open a half-shut door. Don't worry, we didn't hurt it. We figured we had permission to be there, so we just helped ourselves. Certainly no one cared, as later the security guards found us on the roof and just reminded us to turn out the lights when we left.

Then things got crappier.

It was a night shoot, so we had to wait for it to get dark. By the time we finally got set up (a little late due to being locked out and all), it was 10:30. We shot for awhile, then the lights went out. There was some problems with one of the outlets the lights were plugged into, but at the time we didn't know what the problem was, and we spent awhile troubleshooting until we got it fixed. Then during the scene, one of the buttons to Cash's jacket popped off, due to his expanding his manly chest. So that took awhile to fix. We shot and shot, and shot some more, until it was five in the morning, and then we called it a night (day?). On the way home, as it was now thunderstorming, I could barely see through my crusted-over eyes, and barely made it home alive. Got back by seven, hopped into bed, and woke up at eleven, ready to take on a new day. We're going back next Friday for more. And more!

And then there's Kent, who I told you got his jaw busted by a softball. Well just look at him now! Look! He'll never be the same! And the doctors told him the tip of his chin will be numb for about a year.

Kent: the trooper.

 

 

JULY 13, 2001

CLIMAX PART DEUX

Same drill as last week...we started shooting when it got dark, and we filmed until the sun rose. That's hardcore baby! We shot the big finale all night long, which of course is the big kung fu fight. So after all that, we must be finished, right?

Well...about a third of it.

And not because we were lazy either! This is a big, complex fight scene, and I imagine we'll have to go back at least two more days to get it all. Hoo boy, I'm not looking forward to that! But in good news, we got to look through the telescope. We all got to look at Mars. When you look at Mars with your naked eye, it looks like a dot. When you look at it through this telescope, it looks like...a slightly magnified dot. Needless to say, I was disappointed. But more disappointed was Kent and Cash when they heard that it will take several more full nights of shooting to finish the scene. And then I laughed.

 

 

JULY 21, 2001

SKIZZOMANIA!

Not much to report this week...shooting took about an hour all told, and we did Baltimore indie guru Skizz Cyzyk's cameo. Skizz burned up the scrren with his smoldering intensity in his wordless bit. I didn't give him a single line, and it was agreed upon that was for the best.

Speaking of smoldering, I saw some of those cool burning train cars while I was out there. I don't know how big this news is or if anyone knows about the Great Tunnel Fire of Baltimore City, but that's all we've been hearing about this way. Hey Grant Corley, your home town's burning! It's fun!

Since there's not much news to report, I'll regale you of a story that happened one day. I never stuck it in because...I don't know why. I was out getting some general shots one night in downtown D.C. Some big shindig was going on and I had my camera on a tripod on the sidewalk, getting shots of the many limos out there. Suddenly, this guy across the street starts screaming at me, asking if I'm taking his picture. I said no, which was true. He wasn't in frame. Picture a big frat-boy looking doofus, the kind of guy who wears a button-up shirt with baggy shorts and a baseball cap, and you got my man. He was out with a girl and I guess he felt the need to impress her. Obviously, she didn't like this. So the guy kept yelling, and I thought he was kidding. I'd never seen someone go nuts over nothing like this. But as he kept yelling, I figured he was serious. He looked like he wanted to come across the street, and I must admit I stuck a certain digit in the air for him to see, and it wasn't a thumbs-up sign. So he acted like he was coming over, and I was unscrewing the camera from the tripod. His girl stopped him from coming over, being the reasonable person that females tend to be in this sort of situation. He yelled a bit more, and I said "F you" to him, but you can substitute the "F" for the whole naughty word, and then they walked away, he obviously still really angry but kowtowing to his boss, the girlfriend. The reason I was unscrewing the camera from the tripod was that if he came over, I was going to bash him over the head with the tripod. So it's probably best for all that he left peacefully. That tripod cost me twenty five bucks!

 

 

JULY 28, 2001

TWO FIGHTS IN ONE DAY

It's raining, and it's ten in the evening so it is dark and cold. David and Mike stand in a corner, trying to keep semi-dry. "It sure is miserable out here," David says.

"Yeah," Mike agrees. "I give it about an hour before my bitch factor kicks in."

Suddenly a voice bellows from the other end of the alley. "This sucks! I hate this! Why are we out here like a bunch of stinking animals?"

That voice belonged to me.

But wait, I've gotten ahead of myself. Let me back up a bit, to the beginning of the day. Jason Wauer and I travelled out to Charlottesville, where David Stewart lives, so he could be the D.P. (Director of Photography for you laypersons) for the day and we could use the creepy alleys of Charlottesville and nearby Lynchburg. If you've seen 23 HOURS you've had quite a tour of Lynchburg, as we used that for all of the rooftop stuff and most of the running around. It's like a huge, empty backlot where you can do whatever you want. We went out there with the agenda of shooting two different fight scenes in one day. So how did we do?

We were met by John Johnson of Darkstone Entertainment and his friend Mike. We had to move the scene to under a bridge on a train track because it started to sprinkle, but the setting looks very nice and dismal, which I like. The first fight started around two in the afternoon. In it, a few Goths are beating me up so I find a metal chain and use it to beat the snot out of them.

For this scene, Jason played the lead Goth, in a big departure role for him. He usually plays the straight role, such as the psychiatrist in 23 HOURS, so he liked doing this part. For the record, he plays what is the only accurate portrayal of a Goth in the entire movie. The next day as we ate our victory buffet of Chinese food, we discussed doing a spin-off short film starring the character. Seriously, he's funny, and I wish he was in more of the movie.

This fight went smoothly and quickly, and there's one bit involving me with the chain and John with a pair of nunchuckas that should be pretty sweet.

Ate dinner. Mexican.

Then it was dark, and we arrived at the next set, the alley where the first fight of the movie takes place. But then it started to rain. I got a bit grumbly, worrying if this would cut with the scenes before and after, and especially with Christi's footage in the car, which we did months ago (for this night, we just set up a blanket in the back seat to portray Chris. It actually worked well, and that blanket's a good actor--subtle yet divine). Finally it came down to "screw it, everyone's here already, and if we cancel then we'll have to do it later." So we shot it. As I watch the footage, the rain actually looks very nice and adds an extra dimension to the fight. It looks kinda Hollywoody. I'm glad I was wearing an overcoat and hat for this scene, but it was just luck. I stayed pretty dry! At any rate, like I said, this is the first fight of the movie, and it's my specialty: just a good, hardcore street fight.

I think this will be the fastest fight of the movie, as it's basically just me laying some smackdown on some Goths. I take down eight Goths in a fight that will last probably 30 seconds when edited. That's one Goth every 3.75 seconds, not a bad average.

Just for your info, the original version of the script was pretty light on fights. It was going to be a comedy that every half hour or so would include a 30 second quickie fight scene, just to keep people wondering what the heck was going on. That was a weirder script, and I kind of miss it, but then I decided to go for it and make a full-fledged kung fu movie like I've always wanted. But the first half of the script stayed the same, so basically the first half of the movie will only have a few short fights, but once the second half begins, it's pretty much nonstop action. Watch the first half of the movie and you can see how it was originally intended to be.

Also for your info, the alley fight marks a first for Piranha Pictures: the first time a real swear word will be used onscreen. Sure, we have plenty of swears in the outtakes, but there's never been a word that wouldn't be played on television in one of the movies. David Stewart gets the honors of saying "shit." Thank you very much! The only unfortunate thing is that we had to abandon a perfectly fine pee-in-the-face gag, but it got replaced with a stunt, so it's not all bad.

 

 

AUGUST 5, 2001

ERIC THE WEENIE

Not much to report, as this weekend was a bit light on the shooting. We were scheduled to pull another all-nighter for the big ending, but threats of thunderstorms kept us at home. Did it thunderstorm? A little. I guess we could have shot, but I didn't want to make everyone drive to Baltimore to get rained out. That's why I am good.

On Sunday we did some minor shots of me getting shot at in a great set: a paper shredding mill. It was so hot out there I was ready to faint, but I kept jumping over things and diving into other things. I'm telling you, I could barely move. That's why I am bad.

 

 

AUGUST 18, 2001

MORE CLIMAX FIGHT SHOOTING

More climax fight shooting took place.

Whee.

 

 

SEPTEMBER 1, 2001

HUZZAH! NO MORE OVERNIGHTS IN THE STINK OF BALTIMORE!

We have finished shooting the freaking climax of this moving picture! It took us six nights, but we got it. There were monsters, fire stunts, dummy stunts...all manner of insanity. So let's break it down.

Kent Bye graciously ruined his birthday by coming out to shoot. He said he could be out picking up women, whom he would tell about his birthday and how lonely he is and then make some moves on them, but instead he came out and listened to my belligerent screams at him for not being as genius behind the camera as I, and if only I were acting and performing camera duties at the same time, this would be the greatest movie ever made. Kent manfully ignored my rantings and gave us some beautiful work. Hats off to you Kent! Hats off to you indeed.

Not much to say about the rest of the junks. Fight fight fight, stunt, fight fight, monster, fight fight fight, explosion. The end. I would show you all a picture of said monster, but I think if I did, most likely your spine would crumple upon itself and your eyes would pop out, fly straight up in the air, and come back down only to fly in your open mouth and be swallowed, and you would die. It's just that scary. If you did happen to survive, you would be an emotional cripple for the rest of your life. This would explain why Kent and I are both emotional cripples.

The other fun of the night was me setting myself on fire. It's not a huge burn, as I'm supposed to be getting hit by fireballs, so I just set small patches of myself on fire. To all of you budding stuntfolk out there, listen up: all you need is an extra pair of sweatpants on under your own pants, and a sweatshirt, and you too can light yourself up! For extra fun, be sure to light your crotch on fire too, like I did! Trust me, you'll love it!

The big annoyance iwas the fact that the fire was slow to start, and easy to blow out, so I didn't get a great tower of flames coming off of me. But, good enough I guess.

 

 

SEPTEMBER 29-30, 2001

GAY KARAOKE, NON-SPEAKING ROCKS, AND PARKING LOT HITLERS

I have never been to a karaoke bar. I have never been to a gay bar either. In one fell swoop, I did both.

To start the weekend out on a high note, Christi Etcher invited me to a play, and then afterward, the obvious thing to do would be go to a gay karaoke bar. I was not a mack daddy that night, as not one single, eligible homosexual hit on me. Am I that unappealing? What's wrong with me? Where's my game? I was however kissed on the lips several times by a lesbian. So here's a question: if two men kiss on the lips, whether one or both of them are gay, that's a gay act. If two lesbians kiss, that's a gay act. So what's a lesbian kissing a straight guy? Seems like the kind of paradox that could tear asunder the fabric of the universe itself, and suck everything into it's black maw. But I digress.

So on to the filming! In the script there is a character by the name of Timmy, who speaks to his rock Michael. It's a very peripheral part in the general story, but pays off at the end. And for this part I was looking for a terrible, terrible actor. I had one guy who, when you looked into his eyes, you could see into infinity itself, and he was perfect. Of course I didn't tell him I wanted him because he sucked. But unfortunately he wasn't able to do the part due to his busy schedule of, apparently, doing nothing. So I had to recast. Hmmm...who to get that could portray this character in the open-mouthed style I was looking for?

Paging David Gebhard!

I feel bad for David. He's my friend and old roommate from college, and gave me a lot of good help and advice in college, as he was the General Manager of VTTV, our student television station. And how do I repay him? By typecasting him and never letting him play anything other than the really, really, dumb guy. It's just that he does it so well. If you've seen 23 Hours, he plays the dumb boss, and in this movie we pretty much ramped that up about 200 percent. David says that next time he has to get to play a regular person, and not an imbecile. Sure David, I tell him. No problem. Little does he know I plan on hitting him on the brain with a pipe so he'll have to play these characters, as he won't be able to do anything else.

So we did his shooting fairly quickly, as all of his scenes are pretty short and don't contain much dialogue. I made him suffer the indignities of speaking to a rock and falling on his face onto the hard, hard concrete, not to mention the horribly ugly shirt I made him wear. Oh wait...that came from his own closet. I mean, that was a nice shirt.

The next day, David Stewart made the two-hour drive to finish our rousing fight scene. As you may remember (or not, considering you probably don't give a crap), we shot half the scene outside of a State Department Annex in nearby Rosslyn, but we were kicked out of there. We had made the wrong assumption that it was a public space. So I did the absolutely unthinkable: went to get a shooting permit.

And I got it! The only thing was, they said we had to shoot on a weekday, because they wanted to have someone there to supervise us. Well, that wasn't going to happen, because David and Alvin Ecarma, who was going to be the D.P. for the day, had to work. So we decided to just move to a rooftop next door and finish, and no one would notice, especially as we were at a perfect place to move locations. So we packed up the car and got to Rosslyn, got the perfect parking space right in front of the building, unpacked, and headed up...

...only to find a bunch of construction workers working on the roof. I had checked out the location not long ago, and it was fine, but now...this! So we thought about it for a bit, and decided to drive to the Reston Towne Center, which looks fairly similar in terms of surrounding buildings, plus the parking garage we could use looked similar to the roof we had previously shot on. So no problem kids.

We got there and ripped through the scene, which is me with a bat fighting David with a staff. As a side note, David had to cut down a small tree and carve his staff that morning, as the one he used before he couldn't get access to, as he left it in the house that moved out of just last week. Anyway, we had everything finished except for a few minor shots of me talking on a microphone. We were getting ready to shoot it when a security guard came over and told us we had to leave. A parking garage sits next door, and he said we could go over there, as that was a public garage, and this one was private. Odd, but whatever. We went to that second garage and shot the bits we needed, and prepared to do the very last shot, which consists of David trying to ram me into a wall, but I run up the side, flip over him, and end up behind him. Then a different security guard came over and told us we had to leave. Now, when we drove in, this guy was waiting in the middle of the garage for us, and then followed us to the roof on foot. So obviously the first guy called him. So why did he tell us to go to that garage and then dime us out? We said fine, and left, and went to a third garage on the other side of the complex. We got a shot off there, and then went back to the first place to try and get one last one. We would have gotten it too, but David forgot his gloves, and by the time we went back and got them and got back, the guard was waiting for us and told us to beat it. So we went back to the third garage, but the guard who had been in the second one was waiting halfway down, and when he saw us, went for the stairs and headed up. So we turned around and went back to the second garage and got the shot. I wonder if that guy is still up on that third garage, wondering where we disappeared to? "It was one of them...ghost cars!" I can only imagine how these guys were probably following us around and watching us with binoculars. "They're headed to the second garage! Get them! Schnell! Schnell!"

So that was it for the exciting weekend.

Let me leave you with this closing observation about homosexual men. They're criticized for having multiple partners and having tons of sex, and that is attributed to their being gay, but that isn't true. The only reason that straight guys aren't the same is because women are the gatekeepers, and they don't tend to go for the sex as the first option, as a man will, and they also don't tend to try and and "tap" anything that moves, another trait associated with men. Gay men have it easier because they're a bunch of typically horny guys, but there are no gatekeepers. The debauchery isn't attributable to gayness, it belongs to the fact that guys are men, i.e. nasty perverts.

By the way, I have never been to a TGI Friday's either, and for that I was roundly mocked by both gay and straight alike.

 

 

OCTOBER 12, 2001

ONE CHEAP LIMO

This car was one heck of a deal, as I rented it for an entire night for the princely sum of fifty bucks, and basically they gave me the keys and let me take it out and drive it around. It was only me out there, so I was setting up the camera on a tripod and hitting the record button with a remote. I did this a few other times during the week in the junker car (otherwise known as the Blue Bomb), just getting extra shots of me driving around and shooting my half of a conversation I have with Christi. Now that's low tech!

 

 

NOVEMBER 3, 2001

FIFTH CITY...WRAPPED!

The last night of shooting went down Saturday night at we shot a cameo scene by Mike Z in Baltimore, where he calls his mother a mean name over the phone and has his head explode. Anything weird happen? Not a whole lot, except for some random crazy guy who came out from nowhere and started talking to us in that indecipherable way crazy folk do, and then he got in Mike's face and started dancing. I have to say that this guy chose the wrong night to pull this crap, as I was robbed at gunpoint in that very city only a few days before, so I did have my trusty fighting knife with me this time and I was ready to use it if he gave me cause. Thankfully he decided to wander off instead and spare us all a bit of unwanted nastiness.

So Mike was a great sport and did the scene, even though I think I made him feel like an idiot, having to react to imaginary laser beams and such. However, he pulled through like the pro that he is.

Now when I say that FIFTH CITY is wrapped, that's only mainly true. Basically, all of the major scenes are finished. Eric Stanze and D.J. Vivona still have their cameos to put to tape, but they will be shooting that themselves and sending it in. I may add a few cameos as time goes on, and I imagine every now and then I'll shoot a few extra inserts to add. But the movie, to paraphrase Bizarro Superman, am done.

So to all who helped with the shooting of FIFTH CITY let me say...I don't need you anymore! See you later suckers!

I mean...thanks.